ESPN celebrates Don Garber's tramp stamp, cancer sticks, alcoholism and lawlessness
2010-02-05 21:35:00
Via Dan Loney, our beloved Don has: a tattoo, over 1300 bottles of wine (one for every day of the year for the next four years), and actually turned down a car from ESPN so he could smoke cigars on his way back to New York from Bristol."I decided to drive myself. That's because I can smoke this Cuban cigar -- a Cohiba -- on the way home," he said. "It's great for when you take a long drive."
ESPN sums up the Don thusly:
No matter whether you're a soccer fan or not, that's pretty cool.
Yeah, it's pretty cool that Don's living the trailer park tattoo lifestyle, hoarding alcohol, breaking trade embargo laws, and puffing his way toward an early death. Not only does he smoke cigars, which we knew, but now he needs his fix so bad that he will actively turn down free transportation to smoke while he drives at 90 MPH. He'd be a great guest star in the next version of this commercial:
The players union has to be loving this. ESPN's headline in 2011 will be "Don Garber found dead of meth overdose in his double wide, CBA negotiations reopening." Or "Don Garber convicted of running international sex trade ring, MLS to adopt free agency." And for all of you who think it's a pretty laid back, non-stress job setting the salary cap and dealing with expansion teams? This blog post is all you need to know about what it's like to keep MLS afloat. Garber's so stressed and messed up, he's shakily fumbling with matches and cigars on the Trans Manhattan Expressway. He's probably got a few 311 cds that he listens to on the way, too.
So yeah, Don. Stay classy, tatted, and jonesing for your illegal cigars and vast alcohol collection. In a couple years, your nicotine, ink and alcohol addled body can be in a PSA aimed at scaring ten year olds. With you as captain of the MLS ship, how does anyone think we're going to end up dashed against the rocks?
Fake Sigi out.
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